Grieving Your Grandchild After Pregnancy and Infant Loss
The death of a grandchild is a unique loss.
You are grieving the death of your grandchild while also witnessing your own child and their partner experience profound grief. You may feel heartbroken, helpless, or unsure of how to support them while navigating your own grief.
Meeting Your Grandchild (if given the opportunity)
You may feel uncertain or hesitant about seeing or holding your grandchild. Whatever you are feeling is okay.
If you are given the opportunity, consider whether seeing, holding, or spending time with your grandchild feels right for you.
If invited by the parents, take part in memory-making activities with your grandchild.
You may wish to ask whether a copy of their footprints, a lock of hair, photographs, or another keepsake is available to you.
Tending to Your Own Grief
Give yourself permission to grieve—you have also suffered a loss.
Acknowledge feelings of guilt, helplessness, or regret without judging yourself for having them.
Read books or pamphlets about the pregnancy and infant loss experience.
As a parent yourself, acknowledge the “loss of control” feelings you may have as you watch your own child grieve.
Don’t judge yourself, grief is not linear; emotions will change from day-to-day and year-to-year.
Share feelings with your spouse/partner or a trusted friend.
Seek support for your own grief outside of your bereaved child, rather than relying on them to comfort you.
Talk to other grieving grandparents about your experience.
Find ways to manage and express your feelings such as exercising, writing, gardening, making crafts, or other creative activities.
Get to know your grandchild—write letters to them, wear a symbol of their life, keep a journal, visit the cemetery, or celebrate “Grandparent’s Day.”
Acknowledge that birthdays/loss anniversaries may be emotional for you and your child.
Recognize that grief can include anger and other intense emotions, and try not to take every difficult interaction personally.
Seek help from a therapist with special experience working with grieving grandparents.
Suggestions for Supporting the Grieving Parents
You don't always have to hide your grief. Sharing your sadness can sometimes reassure your child that their baby is loved, missed, and remembered. At the same time, be mindful that they may not have the capacity to support you in your grief.
Say your grandchild’s name and talk about them.
Follow your child‘s cues.
Ask open-ended questions.
Be a good listener.
Be non-judgmental and accepting of their feelings and choices—everyone grieves differently.
Instead of asking, “Is there anything I can do to help?”, offer concrete suggestions: provide meals, assist in organizing a funeral, hire a housekeeper, or support your living grandchildren.
Do not clear away baby items without being asked.
Commemorate your grandchild—plant a flower, plant a tree, place a marker, establish a memorial fund/scholarship, make a donation on your grandchild’s birthday, or remember during holidays of different faiths.
Display photos (if available) of your grandchild.
Do not ask your child about having future children; instead, let your child raise any conversation about future plans, if any.
Offer to help find support resources if they are interested. Seeking out groups, counseling, or other resources can feel overwhelming, especially in the early days of grief.
Remember that grief has no set timeline. Your child's relationship with and love for their baby continues, and their grief may change over time.
Do not suggest that your child should or will “get over” or “move on” after a loss.
If Your Child Becomes Pregnant Again
Pregnancy after loss can be an emotional and uncertain time. Your child may experience hope and joy alongside fear, anxiety, grief, guilt, or disbelief. These feelings can exist at the same time, and they may change throughout the pregnancy.
As a grandparent, you may also have complicated feelings about a new pregnancy. You may feel excited while also worrying deeply about your child and the baby. Give yourself space for those feelings while remembering that your child's experience may be different from your own.
Follow your child's lead. They may want to celebrate the pregnancy, or they may not feel ready to. Allow them to decide what feels comfortable.
Don't try to reassure away their fears. Phrases like “Everything will be fine this time” may not feel reassuring after they have experienced a loss. Listen and acknowledge that pregnancy after loss can be hard.
Remember the baby who died. A subsequent baby does not replace or make up for the baby who was lost. Continue to say your grandchild's name and honor their place in the family.
Understand that attachment may look different. Your child may feel hesitant to plan, prepare, announce the pregnancy, attend celebrations, or imagine bringing the baby home. Try not to interpret this as a lack of love or excitement.
Respect their choices and boundaries. They may make different decisions about appointments, celebrations, baby showers, sharing news, preparing a nursery, or talking about the pregnancy.
Offer support without adding pressure. Ask what would feel helpful and allow your child to be clear about the kind of support or advice they want from you.
Make room for both grief and hope. Your child does not have to choose between grieving the baby who died and loving or feeling hopeful about this pregnancy. Both can be present.
More Support for Your Family
Explore resources and support available to bereaved parents and families.