Loss of One or More Multiples (with one or more surviving babies)

For parents and families who have experienced the death of a twin or other baby who was part of a multiple pregnancy.

The death of one of your babies brings about a complex grief, with a mixture of joy because you have a living baby(ies) and, at the same time, deep sadness because one or more of your baby’s died.

COMMON FEELINGS

• Feeling overwhelmed due to dealing with the death of your baby(ies) all while caring for a newborn.

• Excitement about experiencing your living baby(ies) grow and change, as well as sadness because you should have these experiences with your baby(ies) who died.

• Guilt for feeling joy for your living child.

• Confusion due to your conflicted feelings.

WHAT CAN BE HELPFUL

• Talk about and include your baby(ies) who died, even though this may make some people feel uncomfortable.

• Attend a pregnancy and infant loss support group to connect with other parents who have experienced a similar loss. If available, join a Mothers of Multiples organization in your local community.

• Carve out special time to grieve for your baby(ies) who died, just as you allow for time for joy for your living baby(ies).

• Set aside time devoted to your relationship with your partner. Seek out couples counseling to understand the ways you manage your grief and how you can best support each other through the grieving process.

• Consider grief counseling for yourself.

WAYS TO HONOR YOUR BABY(S)

• If you send out a birth announcement, include your baby(ies) that died.

• If you have a dedication, baptism, or christening ceremony, you may want to acknowledge your baby(ies) that died at this ceremony.

• On your twin or multiple’s birthday, you may want to do something special to honor your babies each year.  

• As time passes, it can be healing to become involved in local pregnancy & infant loss organizations and events.

• Friends and family want you to feel their support. Identify ways for them to honor your baby(ies) that died (e.g., donations to organizations supporting infant loss, a nonprofit in your local community, or a place that has special meaning to your family). 

THE LIVING BABY(S)

• Plan to tell your child(ren) about their twin/multiple who died and share this as central to their birth story. They need to hear this information from you. 

• Share the baby’s memory box with your surviving baby(ies) when you feel the timing is appropriate.

• Your child(ren) may feel guilty for surviving and will need your constant assurance and love.

• As your child(ren) grows older, allow and encourage questions, and accept and acknowledge their feelings.

• Anniversary dates, birthdays, and milestones will be bittersweet, as one of your children will always be missing. Sharing your sadness and joy as these milestones occur will keep the memory alive of your baby(s).

If your living baby(s) is in the NICU, you may:

• Experience overwhelming fear and anxiety.

• Find the emotional toll of having your baby(ies) in the NICU to be an exceptional challenge.

• Have difficulty relating to other NICU parents.

• Find it unbearable to be in the NICU if your baby(s) that died passed away in the NICU.

WHAT CAN HELP

• Give yourself permission to heal physically from the pregnancy and delivery. 

• Ask for help from family members in visiting your baby(ies) in the NICU so that you can take time to grieve and heal.

• Learn from other families how to manage life in the NICU.   

• Ask your primary NICU nurse to make sure the staff is aware of your loss.

• Join a NICU support group if your hospital offers one.

• Create an online support system via CaringBridge or Facebook to share your journey and easily update loved ones without having to send individual messages.

ABOUT FRIENDS AND FAMILY

You are likely to find that some of your friends and family members will feel more comfortable ignoring the twin or multiple who died and concentrating on the living baby(ies). They will expect you to do the same.

The following suggestions may help:

• Ask a close friend or family member to explain to your loved ones that you are experiencing complex feelings right now—both profound grief and immense joy.

• As time passes, your openness about your baby(ies) should help family and friends to feel less uncomfortable acknowledging your baby(ies) that died.

SIBLINGS AND GRIEF

Navigating grief with children whose sibling has died can be overwhelming. However much you’re able, try to keep lines of communication open as you and your living baby(ies) grieve together. For more information on how to support them through their grief of thge siblings they lost, click here.