The death of one or more babies during a multiple pregnancy can bring a complex range of emotions. You may experience deep sadness and grief alongside love, hope, joy, fear, or worry for your surviving baby or babies. These feelings may exist together, change over time, or feel difficult to make sense of. There is no right or wrong way to navigate this experience.
Common feelings
Feeling overwhelmed due to dealing with the death of your baby/babies all while caring for a newborn.
Excitement about experiencing your living baby/babies grow and change, as well as sadness because you should have these experiences with your baby/babies who died.
Feeling guilt or uncertainty about experiencing moments of joy with your surviving baby or babies.
Confusion due to your conflicted feelings.
What can be helpful
Talk about and include your baby/babies who died, even though this may make some people feel uncomfortable.
Attend a pregnancy and infant loss support group to connect with other parents who have experienced a similar loss. If available, join a Mothers of Multiples organization in your local community.
Carve out special time to grieve for your baby(ies) who died, just as you allow for time for joy for your living baby(ies).
Set aside time devoted to your relationship with your partner. Seek out couples counseling to understand the ways you manage your grief and how you can best support each other through the grieving process.
Consider grief counseling for yourself.
Ways to honor your baby/babies
If you send out a birth announcement, include your baby/babies that died.
If you have a dedication, baptism, or christening ceremony, you may want to acknowledge your baby(ies) that died at this ceremony.
On your twin or multiple’s birthday, you may want to do something special to honor your babies each year.
As time passes, it can be healing to become involved in local pregnancy & infant loss organizations and events.
Friends and family want you to feel their support. Identify ways for them to honor your baby(ies) that died (e.g., donations to organizations supporting infant loss, a nonprofit in your local community, or a place that has special meaning to your family).
The Living Baby/Babies
Consider how and when you might tell your child(ren) about their twin or multiple who died, making this part of their birth story in a way that feels right for your family.
Share your baby's memory box with your surviving baby/babies when you feel the timing is appropriate.
Your child(ren) may experience questions or feelings of guilt about surviving. Offer reassurance, love, and opportunities to talk about their feelings.
As your child(ren) grows older, welcome their questions and acknowledge their feelings.
Anniversary dates, birthdays, and milestones may bring a mixture of sadness and joy. Finding ways to remember and include your baby/babies who died during these moments may be meaningful for your family.
If your living baby(s) is in the NICU, you may
Experience overwhelming fear and anxiety.
Find the emotional toll of having your baby/babies in the NICU to be an exceptional challenge.
Have difficulty relating to other NICU parents.
Find it unbearable to be in the NICU if your baby/babies that died passed away in the NICU.
What can help…
Give yourself permission to heal physically from the pregnancy and delivery.
Ask for help from family members in visiting your baby/babies in the NICU so that you can take time to grieve and heal.
Learn from other families how to manage life in the NICU.
Ask your primary NICU nurse to make sure the staff is aware of your loss.
Join a NICU support group if your hospital offers one.
Create an online support system via CaringBridge or Facebook to share your journey and easily update loved ones without having to send individual messages.
About friends and family.
You are likely to find that some of your friends and family members will feel more comfortable ignoring the twin or multiple who died and concentrating on the living baby/babies. They will expect you to do the same.
The following suggestions may help:
Ask a close friend or family member to explain to your loved ones that you are experiencing complex feelings right now—both profound grief and immense joy.
As time passes, your openness about your baby/babies should help family and friends to feel less uncomfortable acknowledging your baby/babies that died.
Siblings and grief.
Navigating grief with children whose sibling has died can be overwhelming. However much you’re able, try to keep lines of communication open as you and your living baby/babies grieve together. For more information on how to support them through their grief of the siblings, click here.