Kasey, spreading HOPE for Laila
Ambassador Kasey, fundraising in memory of Laila
“We magically fell pregnant with our beautiful baby girl, Laila. Hearing her heart beat at 5wks and at 6wks was such an incredible experience. We got to our 10wk scan then our 12wk scan, everything was amazing watching Laila, our tiny dancer, moving around in my belly was pure bliss, but the ultrasound tech was having issues seeing our baby girl's heart, more specifically her ventricles. We arranged a follow up scan 4wks later, so that our daughter was big enough to see her cardiovascular system clearly. In the meantime, I was feeling all of the wondrous moments and beauty in growing our very own little human. Our 16wk scan was terrifying, it felt like it went on forever, the tech sitting quietly starring at the screen slowly moving the wand over my tiny little bump. He eventually explained that our beautiful baby daughter had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS) and a VSD along with many other heart problems. We were dumbfounded. This beautiful human growing in me that took such a long time to create and now she was not okay, but her heart beat was so strong, it did not make any sense. There were so many things running through our minds, but worst one of all, will she make it? At this point we were robbed of the innocence of pregnancy and being first time parents. We just went from low risk parents knowing nothing about baby development to a high risk pregnancy, keyboard warriors researching every ounce of information we could find, on HLHS along with a string of other heart issues our baby Laila had been diagnosed with. Over the following 2wks we had second and third opinions all stating she would die before or during birth, there was nothing they could do prior or after birth, her death was imminent. We had to choose to terminate to save her suffering. Legally we were forced to call it an abortion, on all of my paperwork I had an abortion, I felt like a murderer, I still feel this way, but we chose this path to save her from a painful death of asphyxiation. We took the fall so that she could gain her wings and feel freedom to dance with the stars. I would not wish this decision on anyone, and I only hoped there were more people to turn to for guidance throughout this time for me, so now I want to be there for others. Laila's birth was traumatic I had major blood loss with 3 blood transfusions to keep me alive. After her 24hr birth I was sent into surgery for a d&c to remove the placenta that got stuck. Our first born, our only child, we had the pleasure of spending the night with and having cuddles with her little lifeless body. She looked just like my husband, and so incredibly human at such a young gestational age. I was forced to be wheeled out of the maternity ward straight into the faces of new mothers and newborn babies, it was the hardest time of my life. We were grateful to be able to eventually take home her ashes, and feel privileged to be her parents. We are coming up to 2 years since her loss and I still feel the utter sadness pin me down every day. I know as long as I feel the grief, I feel the love and connection we had for those 18 weeks. I know that the more I say her name that I know Laila lived, she was my first child and that I am a mother. I am still a mother, and nobody can take that from me. I may be a murderer out of love, but I love my daughter fiercely and I know that choosing TFMR was the right thing to do. Rest easy my angel baby, you were too beautiful to be earthside x.”
If you would like to make a contribution to Kasey’s fundraiser in honor of Laila, here are the programs and initiatives your money goes towards:
Sponsorship for virtual support groups and in-person retreats
Outreach and education for healthcare providers
Peer and community support
Empowering resources for bereaved families and their loved ones
Learn more about RTZ HOPEtober and how you can help us spread hope and shine a light on pregnancy and infant loss, helping others to live a life full of hope, connection, and meaning.