My Baby Died, Now What’s Next? by Alishia Anderson
Written by Alishia Anderson
No one expects their baby to die when they find out they are pregnant. No one plans to go into the hospital pregnant, but leave the hospital empty-handed. No one prays to leave the hospital only with a box of mementos commemorating the life/death of the baby you longed and hoped for, that you had to leave behind. But unfortunately, this was my story and is the story of countless other families in the United States.
You see, 1 in 160 mamas experience stillbirth daily, equating to approximately 24,000 families annually, dealing with the heartache and heartbreak of losing their sweet angel babies. Although my loss occurred 4.5 years ago, I can still remember the sequence of events that changed my life FOREVER, like it was yesterday!
Let me set the scene. It was Friday, January 15, 2016. I was at my doctors’ appointment for my 28th-week check-up. They wanted to examine me to see if I had developed gestational diabetes over the course of my pregnancy. I downed the sugary drink when I arrived, then soon after was called back to the ultrasound room, along with my husband (he accompanied me to all of my appointments) to see our growing munchkin on screen. We hadn’t seen him since finding out the sex of our baby eight-weeks prior. My husband and I were both super excited to catch a glimpse of him.
The sonographer pulled my shirt up, placed the cold gel on my tummy and directed our attention towards the monitor. She began scanning DJ’s anatomy slowly and methodically. She was very quiet, but only interrupted her silence to casually mention “you don’t have a lot of fluid around the baby”…twice! As a new mom I had no clue what that meant. I thought it was something I could correct by drinking more water. In my excitement to see DJ, I never realized she didn’t let us see or hear the heartbeat of our baby boy. But I continued gazing at the screen until she abruptly said she was going to get the doctor to come in and have a look at me.
Something inside me didn’t feel right. I guess you can call it mother’s intuition. But my husband told me not to jump to conclusions until we heard from the doctor. At that moment the sonographer came back into the room, wiped off my belly, and led my husband and me into a room across the hall where two doctors awaited us (with a box of tissue). That’s when we heard those seven words that all parents of stillbirth know all too well. “We could no longer detect a heartbeat.” From that moment on, my life literally changed forever.
I went into the doctor’s office that Friday afternoon a giddy first-time mom, excited to see my baby again. I left within an hour with a dead baby, a heavy heart, and eyes welling with tears. I know many of you reading my account can relate to my story of loss with baby DJ! Even if you didn’t experience stillbirth, you unfortunately experienced a miscarriage, or your baby was born alive and you lost them two hours, two days, or two months later, one thing remains the same; baby/infant/child loss sucks!
No parent ever expects their child to precede them in death, especially an innocent baby who hasn’t had a chance to live life yet. But we all find ourselves inducted into this undesirable club of bereaved parents. I know right now it may seem you will never get through grief, or that your tears won’t ever stop falling. But let me assure you…the weight of grief, as you currently know it will not last always. The sting of loss may still be there, but it won’t paralyze you like it once did. You may go on to have a successful pregnancy after loss, or you may choose not to try again because the thought of another loss may crush you entirely. In spite of it all, you are the parent of a very special angel baby. It doesn’t matter if your baby was one-day old, one month old, one year old, or beyond. Your love for your baby doesn’t die, just because you can no longer see their bodies in the physical realm.
Take ownership of the fact that no matter if your baby/child/children are living or no longer with us, you are the architect that aids in ushering them through life. With angel babies that time just comes way sooner than any of us anticipate. From one loss parent to another, just know:
1.) You can get through loss.
2.) All your feelings are valid and you get to choose how you will express those feelings with loss as your backdrop.
3.) Your grief journey will not be identical to anyone else’s grief story, so there is no need to compare. However, you can glean things from others grief stories to help aide in your healing and moving forward.
4.) Lastly, extend yourself grace. You not only lost a child, you lost all the possibilities of creating a lifetime of memories.
As my final submission of hope to you, a parent who is following in my footsteps as a baby loss parent, I offer you this…although motherhood has not been easy, I have embraced and taken ownership of my journey. DJ will always be in my heart! Even though I was blessed with a rainbow baby (the baby you have after a loss), Grayson, and a golden baby (a baby after a rainbow baby), Gavin, neither one of them can ever replace DJ.
Each one of my son’s lives has shaped me to be the mother I am today. Motherhood after loss is a challenge because every moment of laughter can be counter-balanced with the memory of silence, when your baby entered the world and was born still. To be a mom of loss is to be in constant limbo between tragedy and triumph, pain and purpose, hopelessness and healing! The only thing you can do is, take it one day at a time!
I wish you the very best as you trek through your grief journey. I hope to see you on the other side of grief, in your own timing. And that one day you will find the courage to use your voice not only to share your story, but to also be a light for a mother following in your footsteps. That is how we will illuminate the pathway for others and be able to move our baby loss community forward.
