Discovering My Inner Child Through Infant Loss by Brittany Bonaparte
Written by Brittany Bonaparte
Together with my amazing fiancé, Quesse Bonaparte, we have a beautiful daughter who God called home on May 1st, 2020. The next day I delivered my baby Saije Breonya Bonaparte, and she was a sleeping beauty. This all came as a surprise at the time, as my pregnancy was smooth-sailing for the most part. The loss hit hard because we only had 10 short weeks left to meet our baby girl.
Grief kicked me down at my lowest. I remember feeling like my life had no purpose after my daughter died. I had to go through my darkest days first, and with time I began to see the light again.
The loss of my daughter also opened the door to a trauma that I kept hidden from my childhood. Because of this realization, I remember feeling terrible and wishing for parental guidance. My fiancé is my biggest support, however because he was grieving alongside me, I did not want to unload all my baggage on him. As I was listening to Michael Jackson’s Man in the Mirror, tears ran down my face and something came over me. The song lyrics are, “If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change.” I felt every word on a deeper level. I realized I was done waiting for others to heal me.
My childhood was trauma-filled, and I believed that my healing needed to begin here first. I spent the whole month of July trying to heal the trauma from my childhood. It was important to me to be extra gentle with myself through this process. I welcomed all of my emotions. I cried when I needed to and laughed as much as possible. I see my inner-child as my true spirit. I find joy when I am doing anything that I used to do in my early childhood.
Meditation is one way I connect with my inner child. After losing a child, I forgot what it meant to be present. I am re-learning to be present during each second of my day and practice daily gratitude. Listening to my old favorite songs also allows me to connect with this part of me. In the early stages of my grief, I listened to these songs and was overcome with nostalgia for days. The feeling is pretty amazing. I feel like my younger self, free of worry.
My message to you: Angel mamas, do not fear grief. It is just another form of love. You deserve to feel your best. You are worthy of laughter; you are worthy of adventure; you deserve to make more memories. Start healing by discovering what needs the most attention. As you continue to grieve, find ways to connect with and honor your inner-child.
Peace is what I pray upon each individual affected by baby loss. I hope you are able to heal, so you can use your story to help others.
