Brittany's Story of Loss, Profound Grief, and Immeasurable Love
Flip is the son I loved but never met. Our story is a story of loss, profound grief, and immeasurable love.
My first daughter, Nola Rose, was born in September 2021. My wife, Andrea, and I decided that we wanted our kids to be close in age and felt like we were already living in chaos with an infant, so might as well continue. We went back and forth on whether to have another girl or to choose a boy, whether to transfer one embryo or two. Finally, Andrea suggested that we flip a coin to decide - or at least uncover our true feelings. We flipped a coin three times and all three times it landed on a boy. We flipped the coin again and all three times it landed on one embryo. Out of coin flips, came our Flip, the nickname we would give our son while I was pregnant with him.
On a hot summer day in 2022, I watched on an ultrasound screen as Flip was transferred. A few days later, I got my first positive test. As my pregnancy progressed, we started to plan and dream. We had names picked out and a safari nursery theme. Our families, friends, and colleagues shared in our excitement of expanding our family and giving Nola a little brother. The little brother that would complete our little family.
All of our embryos had tested normal genetically. My pregnancy was healthy and each ultrasound showed that Flip had a strong heartbeat and was very active – constantly moving on the screen, playing with his umbilical chord. And sometimes he had the occasional hiccups. Everything went smoothly as we journeyed into our future – until it didn’t.
On Wednesday, November 30, we went in for a routine check up. After usual doctor-patient discussions, I asked if it was time to see Flip. I laid down excitedly and the doppler pressed against my protruding belly. Almost immediately I could see that something wasn’t right. Time passed - maybe it was seconds or minutes, maybe it was forever. Then the doctor turned on the doppler to listen for the heartbeat. Silence. Earth shattering, soul breaking silence. He confirmed what I already knew in my heart, “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.” That moment will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I started screaming and crying hysterically. How was this possible? I was in the second-trimester of a healthy pregnancy. I collapsed on the floor in a heap of indescribable pain and impossibility. I kept thinking there must be a way to save him, to save me. That it couldn’t be too late.
Of course it was too late for Flip. He had already died. And my body betrayed me by not alerting me to it. While he was dead, I was living in blissful ignorance – making plans for his future, rubbing my belly, and telling Nola about what a great big sister she was going to be.
After some time, the doctor came back to the room. I asked what my options were and he said I had to be induced and deliver over the next 24 hours. My birth experience with Nola was so traumatic that, for a time, I didn’t want to give birth ever again. I knew I would not be able to handle another traumatic birth - this time giving birth to my dead son. I said no, I would like a D&E instead. Unfortunately, because reproductive health care is highly politicized in our state and across the country, he told me that was not an option, even if my son was dead. He said I would have to travel out of state for this common medical procedure, which could put me at risk for going into labor naturally. While he denied giving me my full range of safe and legal health care options, I knew that what he was saying was not just factually incorrect – it was also highly unethical.
Instead, I called my colleague, who is an OB/GYN and we discussed my options. She graciously offered to care for me herself. That afternoon, I had a D&E - the beginning of the end of my pregnancy with Flip. It was a caring experience and I had the support of my wife and mom, who traveled across the country to be with me.
After it was all said and done, I laid in my bed recovering, with a body that still looked pregnant - but with an emptiness I never knew existed.
Months passed and became pregnant again, with a little girl named Poppy. Early in my pregnancy with Poppy, I found Return to Zero and read about their retreats for loss moms. I attended the retreat in May 2023, on what would have been the weekend of Flip’s due date. It was an incredible experience that affirmed my grief, nourished my broken soul, gifted me with a community, and began a healing journey that continues to this day. I often say that the support I experienced and continue to experience from this community of loss moms has been a life raft. Without it, I may have drowned in a sea of my own sorrow and tears.
The community from RTZ was also essential in navigating my pregnancy after loss journey and parenting after loss. Poppy was born exactly one year and five days after that fateful day with Flip. Poppy is an incredible blessing, and the hard truth is, she is here because Flip is not.
Through loss, I have learned so many lessons about life - lessons that I never wanted to learn. One of the most difficult but important lessons is that grief and joy can coexist - joy does not erase grief, but grief does not eclipse joy either. I am still healing and processing my experiences, but two things are clear: I love Poppy more than I thought was possible, and I still miss Flip every day.
HOW TO HELP MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN FLIP’S HONOR
Pregnancy and infant loss is a unique type of loss, leaving the grievers to feel isolated and unsure of how to move forward. We'd be grateful if you would consider making a contribution to RTZ HOPE. Your gift ensures that other parents who endure loss on their journey to parenthood have the support, resources, and community they need in order to navigate life after loss.
With your support in 2023 (Annual Report) RTZ HOPE continued to fulfill our mission of serving over 250,000 bereaved parents and the healthcare providers who support them through a variety of free and reduced fee programs and offerings.
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