The Intimate Purpose of a Mother and a Child Lives on Forever by Angelica Fricot
Written by Angelica Fricot
I literally thought I was the 1st person in the last 20yrs (definitely in the western world at least) whose baby had died in utero at full-term. I was in turmoil. I was so many things. I was so confused. Zero follow up support from the hospital. I felt like my baby had been taken away from me. Stolen. I had no idea what had happened. I had to lead my own investigation!
Later on, the feeling that Bridget had been stolen intensified and I began to feel that she had been killed. Murdered in fact.
I was in so much pain. So confused. So much shock. I had little support. I felt so deserted.
A few weeks on, my husband’s old friend Debbie had contacted us, saying her daughter, Zoe, was stillborn at full-term 2yrs ago and I can call her if I need support.
Eventually, amongst the disorientation, my hands managed to hold the phone and call.
I needed to. I was suffocating in my own anguish and distress.
She was hope. She’ll be able to offer me some insight, some guidance through this trauma.
I desperately needed to hear what it has been like for her to survive for two years. I was unable to visualize or fathom how to live with this incredible pain. I needed to find out how it’s possible to keep on living.
A few close family and friends had said, ‘with time the pain will ease’. The burden will soften. But how the hell would they know?! I did NOT believe that was possible. In fact, it was a bit insulting. How on earth could the death of my baby girl get ‘easier’?!
But in actual fact, I was ‘mistaken’. My grief has evolved, my relationship with Bridget keeps on growing. I am so close and connected to her that she has literally been guiding me along. So she is not ‘dead’ per-se and that’s why now I can kind of say it does get ‘easier’. Not so much the pain, the pain is burrowed in deep, but I have navigated my way through and have anchored myself in my spiritual relationship with Bridget which has been my saving grace.
In the initial phone conversation I had with Debbie, I do remember her saying ‘ It does get easier.’ It was a moment of hope, even if I didn’t know how to believe it.
I found comfort in connecting with another bereaved angel mum. In fact, thankfully Debbie told me about a wonderful support group which I desperately needed! That’s the benefit of reaching out. I honestly don’t know HOW anyone could possibly go through this alone?!
The message I’m trying to convey here is, please reach out. Keep looking and be receptive for support. Listen to what your soul is screaming for.
If you are reading this it’s possible you are disorientated, in crisis and are desperately looking for some guidance. Seeking to make some kind of sense of what you are experiencing. I can be that person. I am a bereaved mother who can testify and say, with lots of hard inner and grief work, you will miraculously stumble your way through. And you will LEARN how to live with this intense grief in your heart.
Once you are able to take some deeper breaths, you may notice life isn’t moving past you so much, but life is beginning to move in you. In a new way. No, nothing will ever be the same, nor after your loss would you want it to be.
What you’re experiencing is the hardest pain but also the most powerful kind of love there is. Your darling babe is changing you. In your own time, you will have to teach yourself how to live again. Yes, with a deeply wounded heart but also with your baby’s presence motivating who you are becoming. Their ‘invisible’ footsteps and the outspoken love shared between the two of you can be your guiding force.
But I also know that only you and your baby carry the answers to what you need, when you need it, how you need it and why you need it. Through therapy, self-healing and awareness I have learned so much about my way of grieving and inevitably about myself.
Bridget’s stillbirth has invited me to heal my entire heart. Yes, keep healing from her physical disappearance, but also my inner child’s heart.
I saw how I had to tend to my childhood traumas & every wound in my life in order to be able to live again, to actually be alive in my own being. Initially, I was so afraid to go there. So afraid of the wrenching pain. But because of the loving courage I possessed to feel through the trauma of Bridget being stillborn, it gave me the front to go way back and to begin to heal what desperately needs to be healed. This is why I feel that Bridget has saved me. The degree of trauma I experienced as a young child, to put simply, my heart collapsed & it wasn't until my heart was met with the intoxicating grief (ie. love & pain) that it began to regenerate.
But I feel like I need to say that regardless of the personal growth that has come, I’d always choose for her to be here. Like I said early on, I’d rather be ‘blind and stupid’ and have her still alive with me today. But given that she has died, I am grateful for the impact her life has had on me.
Remember this, the intimate purpose of a mother and a child lives on forever. It’s wisdom is eternal.
Sending you love & life,
Angelica Fricot.
Recently, I have started sharing my journey about Bridget on social media
facebook.com/TheStillbornAuthor
instagram.com/the_stillborn_author
If you’re interested to read more about my journey and feel less isolated, this post might be a good place for you to start:
“The crushing pain has worked its way out & has been moulded into deeper more purposeful love.”
Instagram
or
I’m sorry if you don’t use social media, I am intending on creating a website eventually, in the meantime you can contact me via lica83@hotmail.com
Please reach out if you feel called to xo
A LITTLE BACKGROUND ON OUR STORY.
My beautiful Bridget, was stillborn on May 27th 2017, full-term, due to an overlooked placental insufficiency. She was breech, I had an ECV not knowing that she was struggling and undetectably she didn’t make it long after the ECV procedure. At the follow up antenatal visit 2 days later, to my gravest shock, I was hit with the most unbelievable and unbearable news that Bridget’s heart had stopped. She was born 2 days later and now rests peacefully in our love.
