Ashley, spreading HOPE for Freyja
Ambassador Ashley, fundraising in memory of Freyja
“In November of 2021 my partner and I were so happy to discover that after almost a year of trying we had conceived our first child together. We had dreamed and hoped and wished about this baby for so long, it felt as though we had manifested it into being. We knew long before we received a positive pregnancy result that we would name our baby Freyja, we both just knew instinctively that our first child together would be a daughter, and sure enough as the pregnancy progressed we found at that we were in fact expecting a baby girl. Our sweet Freyja Leona was as real as could be and our hearts were so full with love, excitement and anticipation. We did all the things expecting parents do, planned baby showers, built a registry filled with carefully selected items we imagined using in our new life with Freyja. We planned the nursery, bought the crib, shared all the moments with each other, wondering who’s eyes would she have and whether her hair would be curly like her dads or not. Nights spent laying in bed with both our hands on my belly feeling her kick and move around, we experienced the reassurance of each heartbeat we heard at the monthly appointments.
Then on April 20th 2022, when I was 24 weeks pregnant with Freyja, we went in for an ultrasound that changed everything. What we thought would be a routine scan, and another sweet ultrasound picture to add to the refrigerator door, turned into the hardest news we could have imagined. This ultrasound scan had found that our baby who I felt kick daily and had the strongest heartbeat one could hope for, also had multiple complications with her development. After a few more visits with specialist and multiple forms of testing, it was confirmed that Freyja had Trisomy13, a rare genetic disorder that would make it impossible for her to survive once she was born. We were then immediately faced with the impossible decision of choosing how we would have to end the pregnancy, at 6 months along. We were just 3 short months away from meeting our beautiful Freyja Leona, 3 short months away from the life we had dreamed of together, 3 months away from creating all the moments we had envisioned with our daughter. The joy and excitement that we were consumed with just days before was now awash with unbearable heartbreak and grief. We would never know the color of her eyes, or whether or not her hair would be curly or straight. We would never hear her cry, or laugh, there would be no birthday parties, and no first day of school posts. We would be forced to say goodbye to our Baby, our daughter, our Freyja, before we ever got to truly meet her.
And on May 6th, 2022, that is exactly what we did. The unthinkable had happened, we had left the hospital empty in every way, with no sweet baby, no expanded family and no idea of how were were supposed to move forward without her.
It is a very unique kind of grief to lose a baby in this way I think, to lose a baby at all, something no one can ever really comprehend until the moment it is happening to you. It is a club absolutely no one wants to be a part of and my heart goes out to every single parent that is a member. Nothing can every truly take the pain away of that loss of course. I have found though, that finding a space that I can speak openly about our daughter helps as we walk through this grief and learn to live without her here with us everyday. I was fortunate to find a support group through RTZ Hope just weeks after saying goodbye to Freyja. I was able to meet and speak with other women that had gone through similar experiences to ours and were able to understand the pain. I was able to normalize this form of grief and not feel so isolated and alone in it. I would like to think that sharing our story and being open about my grief might help another parent going through this heartbreaking loss. I think about our daughter every day in every minute, miss her with every fiber of my being.
I will love you forever Freyja Leona.”
If you would like to make a contribution to Ashley’s fundraiser in honor of Freyja, here are the programs and initiatives your money goes towards:
Sponsorship for virtual support groups and in-person retreats
Outreach and education for healthcare providers
Peer and community support
Empowering resources for bereaved families and their loved ones
Learn more about RTZ HOPEtober and how you can help us spread hope and shine a light on pregnancy and infant loss, helping others to live a life full of hope, connection, and meaning.