A Guide to Sharing Your Pregnancy with Loved Ones Who Have Lost a Baby
Sharing the news of a pregnancy can feel complicated when someone you love has experienced infertility, miscarriage, ending a wanted pregnancy, stillbirth, or infant death. You may be excited about your pregnancy while also wondering how your news will affect them.
You don't need to hide your joy or have the perfect approach. A little thoughtfulness can give your loved one the space to process the news in their own way while helping you stay connected throughout your pregnancy.
Share the News Thoughtfully
Consider telling them about your pregnancy privately and before a larger announcement. For some people, receiving the news by text or another private message can be especially helpful because it gives them time to process their emotions without having to respond in the moment.
Try not to interpret a delayed or brief response as a lack of happiness for you. Your news may bring up grief for their own loss while they are also genuinely happy for you.
Let Them Guide How Much You Share
Every person is different. Some may want to hear about your appointments, milestones, nursery plans, or baby's movements. Others may need some distance from pregnancy-related conversations.
Ask rather than assume. You might simply ask whether they would prefer that you continue sharing pregnancy updates or let them take the lead.
Their needs may also change throughout your pregnancy.
Remember Their Baby
Your pregnancy does not erase their pregnancy, their baby, or their experience of parenthood.
If they have named their baby, use their baby's name. Remember significant dates. If they want to share photographs, memories, or stories about their baby, make space for them.
Your loved one can celebrate your baby while continuing to love and grieve their own.
Continue to Include Them
Continue to invite them to baby showers, celebrations, birthdays, and other events when you normally would—but make it clear that there is no pressure to attend.
An invitation gives them a choice. They may want to participate, decline, leave early, or decide at the last minute. Try to receive their decision without taking it personally.
Don’t Try to “Fix” Their Grief
Listen without trying to find a solution or a positive side to their experience. This is also important if your loved one is experiencing infertility or uncertainty about future pregnancies.
Unless they ask for advice, avoid suggesting treatments, specialists, adoption, another pregnancy, or other possible “solutions.”
Sometimes the most supportive response is simply acknowledging that what they are experiencing is hard.
Recognize Their Experience as a Parent
If your loved one wants to talk about their pregnancy or parenting experiences, allow those experiences to be part of the conversation.
Their baby may not be living, but that does not make their pregnancy, birth, memories, or experience as a parent less meaningful. Listen to their stories, ask questions when appropriate, and welcome their perspective just as you would anyone else's.
Give Your Relationship Some Flexibility
There may be times during your pregnancy when your loved one needs more space. Certain milestones, conversations, or events may be particularly difficult.
Needing distance does not necessarily mean they aren't happy for you. Grief and joy can exist together. Giving them permission to care for themselves without worrying about hurting your feelings can help preserve your relationship during a complicated time.
Thank you to contributing author, Melinda Peterson.
Understand Pregnancy After Loss
Pregnancy after loss can hold hope, grief, fear, and joy all at once. Learning more about the experience can help you support your loved one with greater understanding.