Grieving in LGBTQ+ Families
For LGBTQ+ families, a lack of resources and support within the pregnancy and infant loss community, along with experiences of discrimination or a lack of understanding within healthcare, can intensify the stress and grief parents experience following pregnancy or infant loss.
At RTZ, we believe in creating affirming spaces and community support for LGBTQ+ bereaved parents and families. We also recognize the unique challenges that may be part of family building, fertility, pregnancy, and loss.
There is no single LGBTQ+ experience of pregnancy and infant loss. Every family, relationship, and journey to parenthood is different. This resource explores some of the experiences that may intersect with grief while offering information and support to help you feel less alone.
Grief, Identity & Family
Pregnancy and infant loss can be especially complex when your journey to parenthood has involved fertility treatment, surrogacy, adoption, or other forms of family building.
Some experiences that may affect LGBTQ+ parents and families include:
Challenges accessing knowledgeable and affirming healthcare providers
Discrimination or a lack of understanding within healthcare settings
Assumptions about your identity, relationship, or family structure
A partner or non-birthing parent not being fully recognized as a parent
Limited access to LGBTQ+-affirming pregnancy and infant loss support
The emotional, physical, and financial impact of fertility treatment and family building
Knowing that becoming pregnant again may not be as simple as “trying again”
Family or community members who may not fully recognize or support your relationship, family, or grief
The Fertility Experience
The fertility experience for LGBTQ+ families can be complex. We hope to normalize parts of this journey so that you feel less alone and more supported with information, tools, and resources.
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It's normal to feel anxious or overwhelmed by the fertility process. Don't be afraid to ask questions throughout your journey.
Your experience can be greatly affected by your relationship with your healthcare providers and your comfort with the clinic. If you don't feel comfortable or supported, you can ask to see another provider or explore a different clinic.
Statistics are just statistics. Your family is unique and will have its own experience and timeline.
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It's important to advocate for yourself and trust your intuition. You can also ask a partner, family member, friend, or other trusted person to help advocate for you.
Non-birthing parents can speak up if their concerns or opinions are not being considered or if they don't feel recognized as an integral part of the process.
Loss and grief can occur throughout the fertility journey—even before a pregnancy. You may grieve genetic test results, egg or embryo viability, unsuccessful attempts to conceive, or other unexpected changes in your family-building plans.
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You and your partner may be in very different places at the same time. Your individual experiences and your shared journey are both valid.
You don't have to go through the fertility journey in isolation. Support from a mental health professional, support group, family, or friends can help.
Allow yourself to have hope for the future.
Supporting Non-Birthing Parents
The grief of a non-birthing parent can sometimes be overlooked as attention and support are directed toward the birthing parent. But non-birthing parents have also lost their baby and the future they imagined with them.
Non-birthing parents may:
Feel pressure to stay strong or take care of their partner while putting their own grief aside
Feel that their relationship with the baby or their identity as a parent is not fully recognized
Experience grief differently from their partner or at a different pace
Have fewer opportunities to talk about their own experience of the loss
Feel uncertain about where to find support that recognizes them as a grieving parent
Partners do not need to grieve in the same way or at the same time. Each parent's grief deserves acknowledgment, care, and support.
Finding Support That Feels Right for You
Finding support after pregnancy or infant loss can be difficult. You may also want support where you don't have to explain or defend your identity, relationship, or family.
When looking for support, consider whether:
Your identity and family structure are recognized and respected
Partners and non-birthing parents are included as grieving parents
Providers or facilitators use inclusive language and don't make assumptions about gender, relationships, or family roles
You feel comfortable sharing as much—or as little—about your identity and family-building journey as you choose
The space acknowledges the different ways people become parents and build families
You feel heard, respected, and safe being yourself
You may find support through other bereaved parents, LGBTQ+ communities, support groups, mental health professionals, family and friends, or a combination of these.
Explore LGBTQ+ Resources & Community
Find pregnancy and infant loss support, LGBTQ+-affirming mental health care, fertility and family-building resources, stories, books, podcasts, and organizations supporting LGBTQ+ parents and families.