Justin, Spreading HOPE for Magnolia
Justin Abel, sharing his story in memory of Magnolia
“In July of 2020, my wife surprised me on our wedding anniversary with the exciting news that we would be expecting our first baby. An immediate sense of excitement, nerves, anxiety, and happiness overcame me.
Over the next few months, we started preparing a nursery. I spent countless hours assembling furniture, crafting custom bookshelves, and adding personalized elements to the room. Knowing early on that we were expecting a daughter, my wife and I chose the name Magnolia Eloise. To complete her room, I utilized my woodworking skills to create a sign with her name on it.
The crib was assembled, the sign was hung, and the nursery was ready to go; and so were we. Little did we know our lives would be forever changed in the eighth month of our pregnancy. We got to meet our sweet Magnolia, but we never got to take her home.
In January 2021, Magnolia Eloise was stillborn due to unknown causes. The first thing I could think to do as a new father was swaddle my sweet baby. I wrapped her tightly in my arms, held her delicate hands, kissed her cheeks, and stared into her beautiful face for as many hours as my sleep deprived mind and body would allow. Nothing could stand in the way of time spent with my daughter as I followed nurses around while they made ink prints and plaster castings of her tiny hands and feet. It broke my heart in that moment knowing I would never get to see her take her first steps, hear her voice, or know the color of her eyes.
Returning home from the hospital with empty arms completely shattered me. I felt isolated in my heartbreak. I had no one in my life that could understand what I was feeling; I did not know of another bereaved father. I didn’t even know it was a possibility that our baby could die. Immense grief crept into my life for the very first time, and something I would like others to know is that the loss of my child has created a pain so deep that I feel it physically. What I long for most in my grief is acknowledgement of this devastation by all the people closest to me: friends, family, and co-workers. Losing her is something I will never “get over” and I can only hope that somewhere a welcoming space can be created for bereaved fathers to be vulnerable and understood. A father’s grief does not have to be silent. It does not have to be alone.
Since that day, I have learned that grief never goes away and neither does the love I have for Magnolia. I have loved her and will continue loving her for eternity. I will continue missing her just the same. She defined me as a father. She will always be part of our family and I will spend the rest of my life honoring her memory: celebrating her life, talking to her, saying her name, sharing her story, and cherishing the short time that we had together.
Magnolia, I am so proud to be your dad, and I love you so much.”
October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month.
Our HOPEtober annual event honors all losses on the journey to parenthood.
Even though so many of us have experienced pregnancy or infant loss, or know someone who has, it is a loss that exists in the shadows. As bereaved parents, we feel isolated and alone. But together, we can shine a light on pregnancy and infant loss, helping others to live a life that holds both grief and joy.
HOPEtober Luminaries partner with us during the month of October to be an advocate and ambassador in spreading awareness and shining a light on pregnancy and infant loss. By sharing our stories we’re bringing awareness to pregnancy and infant loss, as well as the resources and support that exist through Return to Zero: Hope. As a nonprofit, raising awareness and funds are essential to our cause and support programs.
We'd be grateful if you you would consider making a contribution to RTZ HOPE. Your gift ensures that other parents who endure loss on their journey to parenthood have the support, resources, and community they need in order to navigate life after loss.
This year our goal is to raise $75,000 during the month of October so that we can continue spread hope and healing by providing resources and support to grieving families and their care providers.
Thank you for helping to shatter the silence around pregnancy & infant loss.