Alexis, Spreading HOPE for Aubreigh
Alexis Conway, sharing her story in memory of Aubreigh
“Aubreigh is our first daughter, an accidental pregnancy about six months after my husband and I got married. I got my first positive pregnancy test on the last day of November, which put her due date on August 8, 2021. Coincidentally, my husband and I got married on June 27, 2020 in a small ceremony but had our reception on August 8, 2020. We had originally agreed to just celebrate the June 27th date as our anniversary, and it seemed so poetic that Aubreigh was due on our "second" wedding anniversary, giving us a reason to celebrate that date anyways.
At the end of January I went to my OB for our NT scan. At the time, my insurance did not cover the NIPT test so we were going the more traditional route. I remember that appointment so vividly. The technician was doing the scan and kept having me turn sides, saying she couldn't quite visualize her neck. She suggested I go see the doctor and then come back to try again to see if she had moved at all. With this being my first pregnancy, I was so naive. I thought that was normal, so I went along. She had a strong heartbeat at the scan, after all. I didn't know something could go wrong. Also to add, I did not know she was a girl at that time because we were still so early and didn't qualify for the bloodwork. We only qualified after the events that occurred next and we found out her gender then.
Anyways, I see my OB next and she tells me the NT was measuring larger than they'd like. I was referred to MFM and I qualified for the NIPT after that because of their findings, and then I was labeled high risk. About two weeks later when I was 14 weeks or so, we received our results. Mind you, I had been on Google pretty much every night trying to find out as much as I could. When the results came back, we found out we were having a girl, but we also found out she had monosomy X, or Turner Syndrome, and that was causing the cystic hygroma from the NT scan. We continued to see MFM after that, we met with a genetic counselor, but she was only becoming sicker and sicker. By 16 weeks, the MFM doctors were surprised her heart was still beating because the hygroma had started to wrap around to her face, she had a calcified septum in her heart, and they noticed an abnormality in her cerebellum although it was still too early at 16 weeks to really determine the severity or what it would mean. She had also developed hydrops by this time, and my husband and I knew from our Google searches that hydrops was nearly always fatal, especially with other conditions mixed in. At this point, we were approaching the end of February, and my birthday was at the beginning of March. Our options were basically carry on the pregnancy and wait until she passes, which they anticipated that to happen in the next 1-2 weeks. Or we could terminate. On February 26, 2021 we chose to terminate for medical reasons. We were so scared of her suffering if we continued, and we were also scared for our mental health. We knew we would not be able to cope with a stillbirth, mentally or emotionally. Termination for medical reasons felt like the best "choice" for all of us. The week before I began the D&E procedure, I was able to get a maternity photographer to come to our home to take photos. It was one of the best decisions I made for our daughter. She deserved to have those photos and so much more, too. But at least she had her own maternity photography session, because she was still our baby and she deserved that much, at least.
The next week, I had the laminaria placed and 24 hours later I had a D&E. The two biggest regrets I had after my D&E was 1. I read the report afterwards of the procedure, and when I saw them state in the report that a ribcage was present in the remains, I totally lost it. It was just a reminder that my baby was an actual person, who had other parts of her body formed even if some parts were not healthy. It broke me to know she had a tiny ribcage. My second regret is 2. I had my D&E procedure done the week before my birthday. We had hoped that by having my procedure done at the end of February it would keep my birthday month separate from our loss. In the end, I wish we had waited just a little longer so I could have celebrated my birthday with her. But after all of this, I choose not to dwell on my biggest regrets. We all do our best with what we're given in that moment, and in that moment it's all we know.
I have learned so much through my grief journey, by joining grief groups, seeing different therapists virtually or in person, speaking with others who have shared similar experiences, finding podcasts where others share their stories. RTZ was the first organization I heard of after our loss. Knowing there were other people out there who could relate to the void I felt made me feel less lonely. I have learned that I can grieve for my daughter in any way I please. I am not responsible for hiding my trauma from others just because they might find it triggering. My daughter deserves to be recognized. I've also learned that it's okay if I don't tell every single person I meet about her. I have three daughters, but sometimes I will catch myself telling other people I only have two daughters, and that's okay. It doesn't mean I love my first daughter less, or I have forgotten about her. It just means I am selective in who I trust with this information. And lastly, I have learned to celebrate my daughter in any way I can. I am still her mother, even though she is not earthside. I am her advocate, and I will always advocate for her. I am not ashamed of pur loss, I know it was the right decision for us. And I truly believe it is important for all mothers to know that even if your baby is not physically with you, you are still a mother and you can still love and celebrate your child regardless of the circumstances. Aubreigh would have been three this year, and every year we go to the beach and bury a message in a bottle in the sand for her, because she would have been a summer baby and I imagined what it would have been like to take her to the beach.
I will never stop telling our story, because she is my daughter and I will always love and miss her. She deserves to be known just as much as my other two daughters.”
October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month.
Our HOPEtober annual event honors all losses on the journey to parenthood.
Even though so many of us have experienced pregnancy or infant loss, or know someone who has, it is a loss that exists in the shadows. As bereaved parents, we feel isolated and alone. But together, we can shine a light on pregnancy and infant loss, helping others to live a life that holds both grief and joy.
HOPEtober Luminaries partner with us during the month of October to be an advocate and ambassador in spreading awareness and shining a light on pregnancy and infant loss. By sharing our stories we’re bringing awareness to pregnancy and infant loss, as well as the resources and support that exist through Return to Zero: Hope. As a nonprofit, raising awareness and funds are essential to our cause and support programs.
We'd be grateful if you you would consider making a contribution to RTZ HOPE. Your gift ensures that other parents who endure loss on their journey to parenthood have the support, resources, and community they need in order to navigate life after loss.
This year our goal is to raise $75,000 during the month of October so that we can continue spread hope and healing by providing resources and support to grieving families and their care providers.
Thank you for helping to shatter the silence around pregnancy & infant loss.