Maddie Sharing in Memory of Baby Hope
We lost our baby girl at 22 weeks to a heart condition.
Dave and I woke up early to head up to Walnut Creek for our anatomy scan- I remember feeling groggy and honestly not great but it was Dave’s first chance to see our baby girl on an ultrasound and spend time with her in that way so I tried to make myself excited. I’d been feeling strangely uneasy deep down because I had been feeling her moving around starting at about 18 weeks and at about 20 weeks I stopped feeling her. We were 22 weeks – going late to our 20 week ultrasound bc we wanted Dave to be able to be there we had to switch clinics.
The ultrasound tech pulled her up on the screen - I saw her but didn’t see a heartbeat and felt so confused…I asked the tech and he just kept saying he didn’t have a good angle. My heart dropped through the floor because I could feel something was wrong but Dave didn’t understand as he’d never been to an ultrasound before. We sat there for an eternity or 5 minutes while the ultrasound tech fumbled around.
When the doctor came in and I realized what she was going to say, it felt like my whole world fell through my hands. I answered her questions robotically, not taking any of it in. We had no idea where to go or what to do after the appointment. We just drove around- finally stopping at a trail that I sometimes hike and walking up to this viewpoint to just sit and stare at the skyline. How would we begin to walk this path? It just couldn’t be real. She was my baby girl and we were already so bonded. Her spirit felt so close to me…
I had a D & C- decided I didn’t want to deliver. It was absolutely awful to go through it all alone during covid and not be able to have Dave there. My doctor was great - very straightforward with me the whole time and helped talk me through some of the god awful decisions you have to make. She made sure we got Hope’s footprints.
The pain was so great and yet I knew so many of us had been through this- I needed to share this experience to normalize it- so that other women would also feel safe to share and grieve. Although I don’t like Facebook and don’t often share, writing about Hope freed me up. It set me on a path of sharing about her that allows me to still share her and share my grief:
"We found out we lost our baby girl last week. I was almost 22 weeks pregnant and we had grown close to our beebee. She was kicking and happy and so so active- a playful little spirit. My belly was full with her future personality and the joy that she gave us. We were much closer to the stroller buying than the fear of miscarriage, and losing her was a complete shock to my system. I feel exhausted. I am in pain and I miss her so much. My body feels confused. And I am in the middle of what will be a path I have to walk by myself in some ways because it’s my life. That being said, I share because we women should never have to feel alone in this experience.
I am sharing to do my part to normalize grief and loss. Miscarriage is something that so many people you know have had to go through. And though part of me questions how anything so painful could be so common, I also recognize that because it is so common, we can build more muscle of holding it together so that us women don't have to hold onto this as only ours, or to internalize it or swallow it. Because I know that this process happening inside my own body and my own heart is connected to our greater eco system and that there's nothing I did wrong to end up here and that the emotions associated with it are not wrong and do not need to be minimized or covered up.
I am sharing because as we've opened our hearts to our community of family and chosen family in these past weeks, Ive felt a completely overwhelming and relentless love in response that has brought me to my knees and allowed me to let go and be held. Our fridge has been full of soups and stews and our 1 bedroom apartment has become a greenhouse full of peace lilies and bright bouquets and white roses and oranges and sage and lavender and chocolate and wine and expressions of love that have allowed us to just be with the grief. Below is an altar that we made spontaneously with some of these items to envelope ourselves in the love, beauty and the joy that she brought to us and those around us. Her little footprints are there, along with the poem "where the sidewalk ends”, because I know she's out there exploring, but not too far from where I am.
I’m sharing in humility of the complexity of the human experience; to normalize not only grief, but the strength of women, the strength of community, and in this time of surrender, in a year filled with so much loss for so many people, the knowing that we have the capacity to hold each other. Although I may not respond to your call, and although my pain might not be comfortable for you, I love you for being there anyway.
Love,
Maddie O."
Ever since we lost her, purple flowers pop up in our path everywhere we go. The color purple is our favorite book. We hold them as a symbol of her and our friends and family share purple flower photos and videos too. We went with my parents and my father in law one day a couple weeks after the loss, with all the flowers we had received, looking for a place in the woods to release the petals and help free her spirit - we just drove until she led us to this trail between muir woods and muir beach – we set her petals into the creek and watched them dance towards the ocean. I go there in my mind and in real life to be with her.
This past year, we took my 18 month old baby boy Kymani there to be with her. He loved Hope's creek - he threw rocks into the creek and laughed and put his toes in the water over and over again. We also went up to the Redwoods in Oakland on her day when Ky was about 8 months old (March 12th) to release purple petals back into the earth. This photo is from that day :)
My sister in law also made a painting of Hope as a teenager- it's fabulous and we put it up in Kymani's room. He says good morning and good night to her every day and she's there hanging out with him at all times.
She is an extremely bright spirit and a guide for me back to myself. She has showed me so much and when I’m feeling light, she always shows up to play alongside me. When I’m feeling anxious sometimes I struggle to connect with her but I know she's by my side to bring me back to playing in the woods and rebuilding my hope when it feels distant.
The Return to Zero Pregnancy After Loss support group was so important for me- a consistent reminder of the power and strength of women in circle and how our unique experiences didn't matter as long as we could come together and cheer each other on. RTZ HOPE reminds me that grief is an ongoing process meant to be experienced in community and that my loss is connected to others' losses. I picture my baby girl off somewhere playing with the other babies from my loss group. It brings me peace and joy.
HOW TO HELP MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN BABY HOPE’S HONOR
Pregnancy and infant loss is a unique type of loss, leaving the grievers to feel isolated and unsure of how to move forward. We'd be grateful if you would consider making a contribution to RTZ HOPE. Your gift ensures that other parents who endure loss on their journey to parenthood have the support, resources, and community they need in order to navigate life after loss.
With your support in 2023 (Annual Report) RTZ HOPE continued to fulfill our mission of serving over 250,000 bereaved parents and the healthcare providers who support them through a variety of free and reduced fee programs and offerings.
HOW WE EMPOWER PROVIDERS:
Educated With Website Guides and Resources
Informed through Free Webinar Series
Hosted Free Drop-in Consultation Groups
Led Educational Trainings, Presentations, and Seminars
Provided Free Brochures and Materials
HOW WE ENGAGE PARENTS:
Connection through Social Media
Education Through Webinars
Email Newsletter
Extensive YouTube Channel
Healing In-Person Retreats
Informative Website Guides
Inspiration from our Stories of HOPE Blog
Meaningful Workshops
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