I Picture Them Together by N'keya Peters-Camille
After my first child was born, people would ask when are you having another? We got pregnant so quickly, without trying, on our honeymoon! I wanted to wait for another one, motherhood is hard. We started to try to conceive again naturally in Aug 2020 when my son was 3 years old. A month later my beloved mom and soulmate was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and I became a caregiver for her while working as a school social worker and therapist during the pandemic, and still trying to get pregnant. I thought something was up but my mom didn’t, she had plenty of children (5) why would I have any problems? I thought it could be related to the stress of caring for my mom and work. My mom and soulmate transitioned in April 2021.
I was grieving as my OBGYN recommended an HSG, which concluded that one of my tubes was closed, I started at a fertility clinic, and was referred to have my tubes opened. I had that procedure and was told to try to conceive naturally for 6 mos but was unsuccessful. We started with IUI treatments at a new fertility clinic in May 22. I had 2 cycles of IUI which was stressful and included pricey medication but it was successful in June 22. I had my first ultrasound July 22, my baby Camille (I didn't know the gender) was so small, I started to experience pregnancy symptoms. The clinic wanted to follow me until I was 10 weeks, I thought this is weird, I should be fine now I'm pregnant!
At times I would think about my grief, not having my mom, and maybe losing the baby, I ran marathons and was so active while pregnant with my first son, I was different this pregnancy, I now was a pregnant woman without a mom, I now knew grief and loss. When I arrived for my 2nd prenatal visit on July 27 2022, I remember being annoyed that we were doing another transvaginal ultrasound. My doctor stopped talking suddenly, I tried to talk again wondering why she stopped, she said "I'm sorry I'm just not seeing a heartbeat." It's funny because I got real quiet like if I stopped talking she would hear the heartbeat, she tried again and then said "I'm sorry there's no heartbeat, I don't think this will be a viable pregnancy. I just cried. The Doctor recommended a D&C procedure. I had no symptoms of miscarriage, it was called a missed abortion.
I was pregnant and then I was not pregnant, I was walking around with my baby inside of me, then my baby was removed, I was experiencing the grief of losing my mom and then I started experiencing the grief of losing my pregnancy. I am starting to continue my fertility journey, most days I feel like the light had been snuffed out and darkness had returned. It felt so unfair, why did I have to lose my 46 year old mom and then my little 9-week-old baby?
I picture them together sometimes, while I put my 5-year-old son to sleep he said “good night grandma” as he does and then he added “good night baby Camille.” My son pictures them together as well.
Submission by N'keya Peters-Camille
