Infertility, miscarriage, ending a wanted pregnancy, stillbirth, or infant death can impact partners in different ways.
When losses are experienced on the journey to parenthood, attention and support are often directed toward the birthing parent. As a non-birthing parent, you may find that your own experience and grief are overlooked.
And yet, you are also a parent who has experienced the loss of a pregnancy or baby. Your grief matters, and you deserve acknowledgment, care, and support.
Every family and relationship is different. LGBTQ+ parents and partners may also face unique experiences and challenges following loss. You can explore our LGBTQ+ Pregnancy and Infant Loss resource for additional information and support.
Why Partners' Grief May Go Unrecognized
Following pregnancy or infant loss, much of the attention and support may be directed toward the person who was pregnant. While this care is important, partners may find that their own grief is overlooked or unacknowledged.
Several factors may contribute to this experience:
Supporting the birthing parent: Partners may feel pressure to be strong or focus on caring for their loved one while putting their own needs aside.
Different ways of grieving: Some partners express grief openly, while others may focus on practical tasks, work, or daily responsibilities.
Grief that changes over time: Some partners experience intense emotions immediately, while others may find that their grief becomes more apparent later.
Common Responses to Pregnancy or Infant Loss
Grief can affect how you feel, think, behave, and connect with others. Partners may experience a range of responses following pregnancy or infant loss.
Some common responses include:
Emotional changes: Feeling numb or showing little emotion, irritability, anger, or self-blame
Changes in behavior: Lashing out, withdrawing from others, or isolating yourself
Work and daily activities: Hyperfocusing on work as a distraction, difficulty concentrating, or lack of motivation
Changes in decision-making: Acting impulsively or engaging in risk-taking behaviors
When additional support may be helpful
Some people may turn to alcohol or other substances to cope with grief. Others may experience significant emotional distress or thoughts of suicide. These experiences deserve attention and support.
If you're concerned about your mental health, consider reaching out to a healthcare provider or mental health professional.
If you're experiencing suicidal thoughts or need immediate emotional support, call or text 988 in the U.S. to connect with the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
The Birthing Parent's Health and Wellbeing
Know that your partner may be going through both a physical and emotional experience following pregnancy or infant loss.
The physical aspects of pregnancy and birth, combined with the experience of loss, can contribute to postpartum depression, anxiety, and other mental health challenges.
Be prepared to support your partner during this time, while also recognizing your own grief and needs.
You and your partner may have different experiences and needs following a loss. Both deserve care and support.
For more information about physical recovery, emotional wellbeing, and lactation following loss, explore our Postpartum Experience After Pregnancy and Infant Loss resource.
Finding Support and Caring for Yourself
Don't neglect yourself. You may feel as if you want to focus on your partner, but remember to also help yourself.
You have experienced the heartbreaking loss of your pregnancy or baby. You deserve to receive the support you need.
What can be helpful when you've experienced a loss?
Individual counseling — create space to process your own emotions
Couples counseling — can improve communication and help you better understand your partner's journey
Connecting with your partner (mutual massage, a 2-minute hug, couples yoga)
Seeking social support (pre-existing social networks or faith communities)
Attending a bereavement support group
Spending time outdoors
Exercising regularly, as you're able
Getting enough sleep
Eating nutritious foods
Setting time limits and boundaries for work
You and your partner may have separate experiences. They are both valid and real. You may benefit from a support group, therapy, and/or medication, depending on your individual needs.
Additional Resources
You may find it helpful to hear from other partners who have experienced pregnancy or infant loss or to explore resources that speak to your own experience.
Fathers Grieve, Too — Information, personal experiences, and additional resources for grieving fathers.
Grieving in LGBTQ+ Families - Information and support for LGBTQ+ individuals and families navigating pregnancy and infant loss, including unique experiences and considerations.
Understanding Grief — Explore additional information about grief and navigating life after loss.
Stories of HOPE — Personal stories shared by bereaved parents and families.