Fathers Grieve, Too

Infertility, miscarriage, ending a wanted pregnancy, stillbirth, or infant death impact fathers in different ways.

If a pregnancy did not end in the birth of a live infant or if a newborn passed in infancy, fathers need to process their experience and be supported to grieve in their own unique way after this heartbreaking loss.

*We note that this page uses the words “man,” “men,” or “father.” This is not intended to be exclusionary. We recognize that different categories of people, including cisgender men, cisgender women, transgender women, and people who are non-binary, will identify as “partner” and have created a page on Partner’s Unique Grief here.

FATHERS OFTEN EXPERIENCE DELAYED GRIEF…WHY?

  • Focus is usually on the mother

  • Male partners tend to assume a supportive role and neglect their own grief

  • Societal pressure to act strong

  • Stigma, which may prevent men from talking about their own feelings of grief and loss

  • Lack of recognition of father’s grief

  • Limited outlets for expression of father’s grief

SIGNS OF GRIEF AND TRAUMA IN MEN

  • Flat affect/lack of emotion

  • Irritability

  • Anger

  • Lashing out

  • Hyperfocus on work as distraction

  • Self-blame

  • Lack of focus and motivation

  • Isolation

  • Impulsiveness and taking risks, like reckless driving or extra-marital affairs

  • Substance abuse

  • Suicidal thoughts

WHAT CAN BE HELPFUL WHEN YOU’VE EXPERIENCED A LOSS?

  • Individual counseling - create space to process your own emotions

  • Couples counseling - can improve communication and help you better understand your partner's journey

  • Connecting with your partner (mutual massage, 2-minute hug, couples yoga)

  • Seeking social support (pre-existing social networks or faith communities)

  • Attending a bereavement support group

  • Spending time outdoors

  • Exercising regularly

  • Getting enough sleep

  • Eating nutritious foods

  • Setting time limits and boundaries for work

BASIC FACTS ABOUT PATERNAL MENTAL HEALTH

  • Postpartum depression affects 10-25% of dads, regardless if there is a live baby.

  • 24-50% of male partners of women with postpartum depression report depression themselves.

  • Up to 18% of male partners report postpartum anxiety.

  • Prior history of depression/anxiety puts fathers at a higher risk of developing postpartum depression/anxiety.

  • After birth loss or trauma, men have the same risk of developing PTSD as their partners.

parentsKiley Hanishspecific