Ending a Wanted Pregnancy
You have made the heartbreaking decision to end a wanted pregnancy. Whether you terminated your pregnancy for your own health or because your baby received a life-limiting or fatal diagnosis, we know that this is a completely devastating decision to make. We are so sorry and want you to know that you are not alone.
You may be experiencing a range of emotions. Your feelings are valid, and there are many ways to navigate this process.
THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO GIVE BIRTH
Medication Vaginal or oral medication can be taken at home or outpatient, causing your uterus to contract. You will experience worse than a heavy period, with severe cramping to labor pains.
Dilation and Curettage (D&C) An outpatient procedure in the first trimester, usually done under anesthesia, to dilate the cervical opening and gently remove the tissue within the uterus.
Dilation and Evacuation (D&E) An outpatient procedure, usually a 2-3 day process, done in the second trimester, most often under anesthesia, to dilate the cervical opening and gently remove the tissue within the uterus. While you cannot see the baby, in some cases you may ask to receive hand and foot prints after the procedure. (Please note: arrangements may need to be made for cremation or burial.)
Labor and delivery Medication is inserted into your vagina or through an IV to cause uterine contractions, and you will have a vaginal delivery.
YOUR BIRTHING OPTIONS WILL VARY
These will be based on a variety of factors depending on what resources are available from your provider, the local hospital, the community, and your insurance. Working with a bereavement doula can be supportive once you receive the diagnosis and help you through the birthing process.
Given that not all OB/GYNs offer termination of a pregnancy, you may be referred to an abortion clinic in your community, such as Planned Parenthood.
Only a small percentage of OB/GYNs provide D&E services up until 24 weeks, so if you receive a diagnosis later in gestation, you will likely be referred to a facility that requires travel.
Some parents will need to travel to a different state to legally have this procedure. This is a lot of pressure put on the parents to find services when they are already under tremendous stress. Whether or not TFMR parents have to travel, legal barriers can contribute to parents ending a wanted pregnancy to experience the effects of trauma and isolation.
NORMAL RESPONSES AFTER LOSS
Depressed mood, irritability, anger, or anxiety
Feelings of insecurity, guilt, shame, and low self-worth
Flashbacks to loss
Inability to remember moments around the loss experience
Inability to concentrate, recurring thoughts, being in a mental fog, or feeling disconnected from reality
Feeling lethargic, unable to move, moving slowly, or feeling “keyed up” or jumpy
Panic and anxiety related to health care visits
Avoiding people or places that might remind you of your loss
COMMON PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS
Racing heart/rapid breathing, Breastmilk production (lactation)
Tender breasts, uterine cramping and bleeding
Nausea and vomiting, postpartum sweats
Tiredness, difficulty sleeping
Gaining or losing a lot of weight, loss of appetite
WHAT CAN BE HELPFUL
In the next few days and weeks:
Naming your baby and saying their name
Ask for footprints/handprints (if available)
Keeping mementos of the pregnancy (e.g. ultrasound scans, baby clothes, toys)
Engage in a ritual or special practice to honor your pregnancy or baby
Plan a memorial, cremation, or burial/scatter ashes
Meet your basic physical needs: eat, drink, sleep, move
Ask relatives or friends for help with other needs- food delivery, clothes, childcare
In the following months:
Share the loss with family members and close friends
Create an online or physical memorial, journal, or blog to share your story
Join a virtual or in-person TFMR-specific pregnancy loss support group
Seek perinatal bereavement support from a professional
Limit time on social media
Prioritize your self care
Protect your physical health- move your body, sleep and rest, eat well
Find ways to hold a relationship with your baby
Create a special space in the baby’s honor in your home (may include pictures, mementos, urn, candles, etc.)
Make a plan as your due date approaches
Make a donation in the baby’s name
Sharing your story
You can choose when to share your story, which details, and who you share it with. Please know that there is no specific criteria for when you might feel ready to share. It can feel safest to start sharing in a safe space, like a support group.
Online resources
Ending a Wanted Pregnancy
A Heartbreaking Choice
TFMR Psychologist (with an international directory of providers)
Instagram accounts
TFMR Ireland
TFMR Mamas
TFMR Psychologist
TFMR Social Worker
TFMR Support Group
The TFMR Doula
Time to Talk TFMR
LMC Bereavement Support
Facebook groups
TFMR, A Loving Choice
TFMR Dad’s Group