Alishia, Spreading HOPE for DJ
Ambassador Alishia anderson, sharing in memory of DJ
“When I went to the doctor’s office Friday, January 15, 2016 and heard two doctors explain to me and my husband that our son no longer had a heartbeat, my entire world was flipped upside down. It was an unexplainable, unimaginable pain that I couldn’t even put into words. It desecrated me from the inside out. I remember driving home in silence and thinking…”how am I going to live life without my baby!” I was riddled with guilt, shame, embarrassment, disappointment, anger, and most of all I was heartbroken. I remember about an hour after hearing the earth shattering news that my husband and I googled “what do you call a baby that dies at 28-weeks?” That is when we were introduced to the terms stillborn and stillbirth. We could not fathom seeing or holding our dead baby in our arms, but were advised to see him, hold him, and spend time with him from a family friend. Advice that I am so grateful for today.
After spending 3 days in the hospital my beautiful firstborn son DJ, was born into silence on January 18, 2016. Although the room was quiet, his aura filled the room and love permeated throughout our bodies [my husband and I] as we held DJ, kissed him, examined him, and loved on him. Those magical moments are core memories that will forever be etched on our hearts. It was in those quiet moments that I realized no matter if my son was alive or dead that my love for him was palpable and that his life had meaning (even in his death).
I left the hospital broken, unsure how I was going to make it from day to day. But as I continued to wake up each day, and put one foot in front of the other, I realized that my life had meaning because I was DJ’s mama. I was not going to let the absence of his physical body deter me from parenting DJ, honoring his short but impactful life, or and carrying on his legacy as my firstborn son.
It has been 7.5 years since I held DJ in my arms. But through my faith, therapy, help from my amazing husband [DJ’s dad], familial support, and finding connection in the baby loss community, I’ve been able to access pockets of joy again in the midst of grief. I’ve come to realize that grief is simply love; and I am allowed to grieve for a lifetime, because that is how long I will love DJ. I’ve also been able to use my newfound resilience to authentically share my own loss story. By sharing the most vulnerable parts of my story, I’ve been able to resonate with other loss parents in the community around the globe. I’ve written a book “Still Here: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Triumph After Stillbirth” chronicling my own journey of loss and how it changed me, and even offer my services as I co-facilitate the BIPOC Support Group here with RTZ Hope. This act of service not only helps me share my love for DJ by helping others, but allows me to be a grief companion walking alongside those who need it most; vulnerable hearts who have paid the ultimate sacrifice of losing a baby. Something I wish I had when DJ first died.
If I could share any wisdom as an angel mom grieving her son for almost 8 years I would say, that your grief isn’t something that needs to be feared. It is not something that needs to be pushed down, or questioned. It simply needs to be witnessed. It is ok if you carry this grief with you for a lifetime, because it is your unwavering love for your baby gone too soon. I would also offer that it is essential to find those around you who you can authentically share your baby with. Those that will offer you a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. People that don’t try to fix you, but sit with you and hold space for you as you navigate your new normal. Lastly, I hope that you remember that your baby is always with you. You are the carrier of their life and legacy. Whether people honor your baby alongside you, or you stand boldly by yourself, don’t be afraid to create space for your baby. They were here. Their lives matter. And their story deserves to be heard! Knowing those truths are the things that can help you on this unpredictable road of grief, gratitude, helplessness, and hope.
Wishing you the best as you honor your angel babies in your own way. And to DJ: “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be!” [Words from Robert Munsch]
Although I didn’t find RTZ right away in my grief journey, it has aided me in understanding my grief and love for DJ on a deeper level as an advanced griever/angel mom. I’ve acted as co-facilitator for the Couples and BIPOC PAIL Support Groups through RTZ which has afforded me the unique perspective to witness other loss parents grief. It is amazing to witness the transformation of our participants in 6 short weeks. To see how they begin to forgive themselves, offer themselves grace, replacing their guilt and shame with acceptance, and most importantly acknowledging their grief in healthy new ways.
I’ve been forever changed through the work of RTZ and their efforts to unapologetically include people from all walks of life who have endured the heartbreak from various types of losses. It is through RTZ Hope that I’ve learned that we must challenge the status quo and truly build bridges to allow all communities access to brave spaces to sort our their grief, while still promoting hope.”
Pregnancy and infant loss is an unique type of loss, leaving the grievers to feel isolated and unsure of how to move forward. We'd be grateful if you you would consider making a contribution to RTZ Hope. Your gift ensures that other parents who endure loss on their journey to parenthood have the support, resources, and community they need in order to navigate life after loss.
With your support, here’s what we were able to accomplish during 2022 (2022 Annual Report):
Fifty percent of support group participants received financial support to ensure that all parents have access to services.
Enhanced outreach to and created support services for Black, Indigenous, and other Communities of Color as a response to the alarming rate of preterm births and stillbirths caused by racial disparities in perinatal and infant health.
Offered 50 different support group programs (virtual workshops, virtual support groups, and in-person retreats) to our community of bereaved families.
Supplied our unique perinatal bereavement guides to 400 hospitals and providers to assist in caring for grieving families.
Hosted 10 perinatal bereavement education webinars to parents and providers.
Created community and spread awareness about pregnancy and infant loss through social media.