Navigating Traumatic Grief
Pregnancy and infant loss is in a category of its own.
To lose a baby or the hope for a baby is one of the most traumatic and devastating type of loss a human can endure. The pain from this grief may be unlike any other grief you have experienced before. You may wonder if you will ever make it through this.
Finding support is essential and can come in many forms. Because the lived experience of our love and loss touches all aspects of our life, a holistic approach to care is often more effective.
WHAT IS GRIEF?
A natural part of the human experience
Unique to the griever
Heartache needing to be witnessed
The mirror of your love
Complex, continuous, and unpredictable
A living process that becomes a part of your body, mind, and spirit
WHAT GRIEF IS NOT
Linear
Something you can control
Rational
Passive
WHAT TRAUMATIC GRIEF CAN LOOK LIKE
Feeling sad, irritable, or angry
Feelings of insecurity, guilt, and low self-worth
Worry
Flashbacks to the loss
Inability to remember the loss experience
Inability to concentrate, being in a mental fog, recurring thoughts, or feeling disconnected from reality
Feeling lethargic, unable to move, moving slowly, or feeling “keyed up” or jumpy
Sleeping too little or too much
Significant weight loss or gain
Avoiding people or places that might remind you of the loss
Racing heart, rapid breathing, nausea, or diarrhea
COMMON RESPONSES TO LOSS
Grief
Post-traumatic stress
Postpartum Mood & Anxiety Disorders (Depression, Anxiety, OCD)
Unearthing of unresolved grief or trauma
THE GRIEVING EXPERIENCE
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
There is no established length of time for the process.
No two people grieve the same way.
Different feelings surface at different times.
Most grief is experienced internally through intense feelings and physical symptoms. Some people feel numb.
SECONDARY LOSSES
The future you were hoping for
Your innocence
Your identity
Trust in your body
Trust in the health care system
Religious or spiritual certitude
Control
All the “firsts” with your baby
Fertility or ability to conceive
SIGNS OF STRUGGLE
It is likely your healing process is being blocked if after a certain period of time there is continued:
insistent thoughts of not being able to go on (suicidal thoughts, wanting to die).
insistent rumination and preoccupation with thoughts about the causes and consequences of your loss (if only, could of, would of, should of).
significant impairment in social functioning and ability to return to your life.
highly charged emotions that are not diminishing.
severe isolation and avoidance of the outside world.
suppression of thoughts about your loss.
refusal to talk about loss experience.
unrelenting anger about your loss.
trauma responses to every reminder of your loss (every thought, picture, place becomes a trigger).
struggle with accepting the loss.
blaming, criticizing, and judging yourself for the loss and how you are processing your grief.
resistance to feeling moments of joy and living forward energy.
CONTRIBUTING FACTORS IMPACTING GRIEVING PROCESS
Death and dying are taboo topics and avoided
Medicalization of the dying process
Disappearance of rituals and ceremonies our ancestors once used to honor the dead and support the grieving
Lack of established cultural or religious norms centered around pregnancy and infant loss
Cultural, religious, and familial beliefs and biases
No paid maternity leave or bereavement leave
Pressures to return to work
Not having any answers for baby’s death
WHAT CAN BE HELPFUL
Begin working with a mental health provider. Support ensures that your experience is as bearable as it can be.
Attend a bereavement support group. Peer support is essential.
Have one family member/friend check on you daily.
Limit social media. It can be difficult to see others depict the “ideal” when life is uncertain.
Move your body. While it can be so difficult to move, even a walk with a loved one or stretching at home can help release tension.
Sleep. Find a way to protect your sleep, and talk to your doctor if you aren’t able to sleep.
Nutrition. Be sure you are getting proper nutrition; sometimes a solid meal can help break up mental fog.
FINDING SUPPORT
Support needs are individual to each person.
What you need at this time may differ from what you need in the future.
You may need multiple types of support.
The quality of the relationship you have with your provider (trust, connection, safety) is highly important.