Dear Loss Mom: A Letter To My Younger Self by Keisha Wells
Seventeen years ago, I had no point of reference for the devastating blow and stagnating force of pregnancy and infant loss in my life. I didn’t know the landscape for navigating life without my precious sons, Kyle and Kendrick. My “Dynamic K and K Duo” was born beautiful and perfect but 17 weeks too soon. I had no understanding of the stealthy thieves premature birth and neonatal loss. To go from a woman pregnant with twins in her second trimester to a mother of angels, I couldn’t comprehend how life had shifted so abruptly and permanently for me.
April 14, 2007, was my introduction to life as a loss mom. I had no idea how I would live as a mom to my angel twins.
I recall the sadness and shame I felt leaving the hospital with empty, lead-like arms on April 16. Thinking back on that moment, the wheelchair ride to the car was a blur but I will never forget how I felt. How I prayed not to be seen for fear that everyone who saw me would know my story—that I was the woman who lost her twin sons. I was the woman who didn’t defy the odds. I was the one who called heads but tails was clearly the winner. I still think back to that day often. It’s a miracle that I have come this far and lived so many seconds, minutes, hours, days, and years without them physically. I can measure it all. I think of the shock and confusion I felt in my early days of lost. The heartbrokenness. The deep despair. If I could speak to the young loss mom—the younger me—the woman in the prime of her 20s ambitious and eager to make a mark in the world, ready to take on motherhood to only be plowed by feelings of failure and misery, I would like to share these gentle words with her now—and you too—of what I know and have learned for sure, thus far, on my grief journey. Perhaps, these words will be comforting and what you need to read now on your journey.
I know you don’t understand life now and why this happened to you. The nagging question of why you had to experience this out-of-order loss that no mother dreams of or deserves will never have a suitable explanation. I wish I could provide comfort on this note and tell you that all your questions or doubts about your sons’ deaths will have a defined reason. The reason why any mother suffers in this journey of motherhood will not be answered. You didn’t seek it but you have become a member of a select tribe of brave loss moms—bearing courage and sorrow in honoring their little ones. You cannot see it now but you will acknowledge your role in supporting your fellow loss moms and serving others. You may not receive the answers you seek but you will make meaning in why your family has been shaped this way. You will make meaning in loss by honoring you sons’ lives.
I know you wonder when or if you will feel good again. But please know, you will. Believe it. You will smile again. You will feel loved and be loving. You will even feel great joy when you think of your sons and the precious times they spent with you. The times they spent together in your womb. The time you all will have in eternity. You will grow to learn and embrace the fact that life hurts but grief and loss will never defy love.
I know you feel a lot of painful emotions at times but they don’t define your character—the beautiful person you are, the bold women you are evolving into. I know you feel forgotten, ashamed, empty, lost, and scared. I know you feel raw and anxious. I know, at times, you feel rejected and punished. I know you feel a hurt you can’t fully articulate. However, I know you won’t ignore these feelings but work through them in time. You can’t see it now but these feelings will dissipate. Yes, you will feel sad because your boys are not here. You can’t deny that. You won’t move on but Keisha, you will move forward in loss and, ultimately, feel better. The pain of life will not always be this jagged. Not about your boys. Not about you. You will see yourself properly. You will come to know that you are courageous, that your voice has power because it’s yours and others need to hear from you. You will feel worthy, hopeful, encouraged, and confident. You will lift your head so high when you speak your sons’ names and treasure the gift that they are to you. You will feel a passion so deep and endearing in honoring all angel moms and their precious babies. You will feel lighter at times, and not so burdened in loss, I promise you.
I know you will always long for your boys—you will always think of what was and what should have been. You will recall happy milestones in your pregnancy mixed with the trauma of delivering and burying your sons. You will wish for everyday moments of messy bath time, finishing homework, or enjoying a cozy Sunday afternoon watching a movie. You will long to know the sound of their voices, even to see their sibling love grow. This longing will cause great sorrow at first and for many long years, but there will be days to come when you daydream without tears and heaviness. When you reflect on the beauty of their lives even in loss, you will receive and become light. You will learn how to tend to and mother them in loss. You will always speak their names in longing and love.
You don’t know—you can’t imagine how—but you will survive. You will thrive. You will put your hurts, fears, and tears to use for a higher purpose. They will not be felt in vain because you will use your love for your boys to propel you forward. Forward in healing, forward in building community with other loss moms and families, and forward in hoping for a day where motherhood is applauded and celebrated for all.
Keisha Wells is a mom to twin angels, Kyle and Kendrick, and author of the book From Three Heartbeats to One: A Gentle Companion Offering Hope in Grieving Pregnancy and Infant Loss. Keisha is also a licensed professional counselor and owner of Transformation Counseling Services in Georgia. Her practice focuses on grief counseling and perinatal mental health services for mothers and their families impacted by pregnancy and infant loss; postpartum anxiety and depression; and traumatic birth experiences. Keisha is an avid reader and writer, contributing to articles in ESSENCE Magazine, The New York Times, Parents Magazine, and Huff Post. Connect with Keisha at keishawells.com and follow Keisha on Instagram @kwellslpc.
