Keep Miracles Alive by Alicia Hinton
To understand there is no prediction of the future, there is only hope in everything in life. When you expect to have life, you start to plan for the better, not prepare for the worst.
When I lost both my baby girls in the same time frame (5months)20 weeks of pregnancy, I was lost. I was only prepared to expect the future with my babies, not expecting the reality of losing them both. I had to learn through the pain I was experiencing during both those different times. The time was the only difference in those experiences but losing them was the same. I later found out with losing the second baby (Miracle), that I suffered cervical insufficiency. Meaning at some point of my pregnancy, my cervix was too short to carry long /full term. The solution to this issue, was to perform a stitching of the cervix known as a cerclage. I was given the opportunity in my first lost of pregnancy without knowing what was the problem of why I was in labor at 20 weeks with baby No.1 (Sajadah). I was in my early twenty’s of age not realizing I could have saved her life if I only had better knowledge of what was going wrong. Now, almost 7 years later, I know what was the first problem not only repeating itself, but I was now willing to correct that decision. Only this time my cervix was too wide to perform any surgery to save Miracle. Now I’m left to suffer the lost of two babies the same way leaving me feeling regretful, alone, scared, sad, and shameful. All these emotions was so hard to get through. But allowing myself to feel the pain, was the only way to get pass it.
Honestly, there is no time frame on grieving, no right or wrong way of getting through it. I learned from my second loss, that I had to really embrace my pain, letting out my cries when I feel sad, talking to family friends, and even had to join a support group. I just wanted someone to relate to my pain. Knowing there is someone out there that went through the same pain I’m feeling and seeking help, hope for the next day. I’m still working through it each day, but one day at a time is what have to take to make it easier to cope.
One thing that I did for myself with my second pregnancy is allow myself to embrace her presence. I had a chance to hold her after delivery. I had them take pictures where I can always see her. Everyone is different, but that’s my baby and I wanted to remind myself she existed. I also listen to music, write poetry which is something I enjoy to do. That helps. As a woman, as a mom, that’s the worst fear to experience is to lost your baby or a child. It’s hurt, and its going to hurt, but don’t blame yourself for whatever has happened. That’s something I’m learning not to do. Your baby is an angel and will forever watch over you. With that thought in mind, its ok to talk to your baby in spirit. Whenever you feel the need to. I do it all the time. I also keep a journal which also helps if talking makes it uncomfortable.
The advice I would like to give, is to find comfort within yourself someday. Take your time to get better, because it can be hard. But each day forgive what has happened, and know your experience is your story to help someone else. You have a purpose so don’t give up on yourself, most of all, don’t be so hard on yourself. You are beautiful. And someday it will get better.
